The story continues… “HITTING THE WALL”
Desperation feels like hitting a wall. I hit that wall hard. My husband was fired up with passion for God and ministry, had been growing and growing and all the while I was scrambling around trying to figure out what to do and hiding (more on hiding later). He believed in me, but I didn’t believe in me…at all. The ministry dream died a long time ago. So much time and “life” had happened in-between. I was truly bound.
HELP! How do it get there?
This is not something I’m proud of. When I hit that wall you’d think after being raised in the church, I’d have known what to do…but I truly didn’t know how to get there. A religious spirit had me for so long, it wasn’t about to give up without a fight. It wanted to keep me bound to the traditions of going to church, doing church, being in church vs. being in love with Christ, being transformed by His Word, being transformed by His presence. I was so bound I couldn’t see what was right in front of me. God.
That’s where my mind was one Sunday morning toward the end of 2001. I was standing on stage singing, as always, and desperately thinking I missed God somewhere; that there must be more to having a spiritual life than what I had been living. My husband was growing, moving forward, but I was so stuck.
It was then that I experienced the first true “God” moment in my life. I looked up and literally knew that He turned my head, pointed my eyes to this woman and I heard him in me saying (very loudly too) “Talk to her, she can help you.” I was floored, shocked, and elated at the same time.
For the first time, I did exactly what God said to do and asked. That one decision has been the most life impacting decision I’ve ever made. Through walking out, step by step, what I was told to do, I discovered literally for the first time in my life what a passionate love relationship with my God was. My heart melted, finally.
The notes below are a window to my soul at the time – it’s what I wrote after my first “assignment” to study the woman in Mark 5…
Notes on “The Woman” – Mark 5:25-34
And a woman was there who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years. She had suffered a great deal under the care of many doctors and had spent all she had, yet instead of getting better she grew worse. When she heard about Jesus, she came up behind him in the crowd and touched his cloak, because she thought, “If I just touch his clothes, I will be healed.” Immediately her bleeding stopped and she felt in her body that she was freed from her suffering.
But Jesus kept looking around to see who had done it. Then the woman, knowing what had happened to her, came and fell at his feet and, trembling with fear, told him the whole truth. He said to her,“Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering.”
I am like this “woman,” and the issue of blood is the baggage I carry around with me like a constant bleeding within myself, leaving me weak and vulnerable to anything the enemy would send my way. Living in a defeated mode.
This woman had the issue for 12 long years, with me it’s been longer, but it has built up over time, adding layer upon layer, keeping me bound in an “unclean” state within. The footnotes (NIV Bible) state that the woman was ritually “unclean” for all those years, not able to interact with others. It probably affected her worship life too since she was “unclean” and may not have been able to attend or carry out any type of religious worship of God. Even to touch Jesus would make Him unclean! That’s the way I too feel, unworthy and unclean inside, not worthy of His attention, or that my worship will make it to heaven. I know that I shouldn’t depend on my feelings, that they aren’t a true gauge of anything, but it’s hard not to go by them… Those feelings turn then to fear and that keeps me from spending that time with Him.
The woman reached out in faith for just the hem of His clothes, knowing that she could be in trouble for touching Jesus at all, but feeling so desperate that she had to be delivered! That’s where I’m at…desperate of heart, reaching out through all my “feelings” like fog to touch just the hem of his clothes.
The scripture says, “Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering.” I’ve been in this “state” for so long that it’s like going through fog uphill, but I have to believe that He is still there when I reach out.
If He can stop for this woman, He must stop for me too, right?
Then the stripping began… to be continued, again.